The Joke Thread

[SVT10th]

Starting a stickied Joke Thread. Let's keep it on-topic to just jokes (and maybe comments of appreciation), but no tangents.....

[SVT10th]

I'll start. Since we're approaching St Patrick's Day, these are appropriate:

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'






Walking into the bar, Paddy said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'
'When it was over,' Paddy replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'
'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'
She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'




Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his bum was cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood..

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and bum and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Paddy said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[Xerxeese]

Two leprechauns , Shamus and Angus, approached a convent the morning after a night of particularly heavy drinking. Shamus knocks on the door. The Mother superior answers.

"Beggin ye pardon, Mother, but I was wondering if ye wouldnt mind answeing a wee question for me?" says Shamus

"Why, certainly !" she responds.

"Thank ye ! I was wondering, do ye have any midget nuns, there in ye convent ?" Shamus asks

Slightly taken aback she replies "No, that we do not."

Shamus looks at Angus "I told ya!"

Angus hangs his head slightly...

Shamus speaks again to Mother Superior "How about in the diocese, are there any midget nuns in the local diocese ?"

She looks at Shamus and Angus wondering where this is going, and replies "I dont believe there are any midget nuns in this diocese."

Once again, Shamus looks at Angus, smiles a devious grin and states "I TOLD ya !"

Angus' head hangs slightly lower.

Shamus again directs his attention to the Mother Superior. "OK. In all of the church , across the whole of the world, would ye know if even ONE midget nun exists?"

Mother Superior responds in a somewhat irritated tone "To my knowledge, there are NO midget nuns anywhere in the world !"

Shamus thanks the Mother superior than falls on the ground laughing while pointing at Angus and saying " SEE !! I TOLD YE !! I TOLD YE , YA DONE ****ED A PENGUIN LAST NIGHT !!!!"

[Xerxeese]

grrrrr filters..

[Xerxeese]

An Irishman stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'
The Irishman left.
A few days later, the same Irishman stuck his head
in the door and asked,
'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
The Irishman left.
A week later, the same Irishman stuck his head in
the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?*
The barber looked around the shop and said,
'About an hour and a half .'
The Irishman left.
The barber turned to his friend and said,
'Hey, Bob, do me a favour. Follow that Irishman and see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut,
but then he doesn't ever come back.'
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop,
laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So, where does that Darn Irishman go
when he leaves?'
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes
and said,..........

'Your house!

[Blue95GT]

Smart Woman

A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off.
As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'
Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'

The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'

'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.

'Your turn,' says the man.

'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'

[SVT10th]

Brewster The Rooster

Farmer Brown's old rooster passed on, so he ordered a new one named Brewster from a livestock supply place in the next county.

After Brewster arrived Farmer Brown put him out in the barnyard. Brown wanted to see if Brewster would be able to keep up to
the old rooster's performance, so he watched carefully on the first day.

Well, by noon Brewster had mated the chickens, ducks, geese, pigs, goats, horses, cows, barn cats, and was eyeing Mrs. Brown.
This concerned Farmer Brown so he decided to have a talk with Brewster.
He said, "Now Brewster -- I paid good money for you and I expect you to have a long, productive life. If you don't slow down
some, you'll soon die from exhaustion."

Well, he made no impression on Brewster, and the schedule continued the same way for weeks. Then one day he found Brewster lying
on his back in the middle of the barnyard.

He approached the rooster and said, "I knew you'd kill yourself, you horny bastard."
Brewster cracked open one eye, nodded up at the sky and said, "Shhh. Them buzzards are about to land."

[taronis]

Eh, most of my stuff is physical comedy. LOL.

[SVT10th]

The New Car

Johnny's uncle got a new car. One day, when Johnny was visiting, he asked if he could go see the new car.
They went out to the garage and play with all the bells and whistles. It had power windows and locks, automatic headlights, bluetooth, voice activated nav system, adjustable suspension, rear view camera, heated seats, ambient lighting, everything.

Finally Johnny's uncle was showing him the cavernous trunk -- "Look, Johnny, it even holds my golf bag with all this room to spare!"

Johnny looks in the trunk and spots a couple of golf tees. "What are those?", he asks.

"Oh, you put your balls on those when you drive.", his uncle replies.

"Damn", Johnny exclaims, "those guys at Mercedes think of EVERYTHING!"

[badass98svt]

And then the fight started...





My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying

'Yes..'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started...



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a set of bathroom scales.

And then the fight started...



My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' she sighed,

'He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' I said, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...